Umbrella etiquette

I know I go on about being considerate of other people and their space, but really, what is wrong with thinking about your impact upon another person’s space?
Umbrellas (or more accurately, the persons welding them) are notorious for intruding upon this, not only are they long and sharp but on some occasions they are wet and on rare occasions (in our droughty little world down here0 they are drenched and dripping with enough water to fill a small swimming hole.
Take this morning for example. It is absolutely pouring with rain, when the door of the train opens the rain pours into the vestibule area soaking anyone foolish enough to stand there. Instead of putting their umbrella down before they enter and just getting on the train with a little more speed than normal, people are getting on and then turning around to put their umbrella down. The people standing behind waiting to get onto the train are then pushed back by a big wet umbrella, not only that, they are then wet by the said umbrella as the water cascades off. When everyone is finally on they then either put the brolly on the seat as they fiddle around in their bag or adjust their coif or they lean it onto the back of the seat to balance precariously against the leg of the person next to them.
If you are unlucky enough to get a reader as well just say goodbye to being dry from the waist down as they will become so engrossed in their reading material that they will be oblivious to any subtle protestations that you might have as to the close proximity of a wet storm stick.
This morning I walked out from under the cover of the platform roof into the rain just as the train was pulling in. I had my umbrella down and I stepped straight on. Admittedly I got a little wet but nothing too drastic. I then sat there watching the 10 or so idiots with umbrellas all trying to get onto the train without getting a drop of water on themselves, which didn’t happen because the mêlée ensured that they all drenched each other. Consequently there were lots of filthy looks and quite a few cranky and wet little vegemites.
Then there is the extra squirming around trying to tie the brolly with the Velcro tab, all the while trying not to wet themselves but completely ignoring the fact that they are spraying water in a 10’ arc in the process.
As the train fills, people have to stand as there are no seats left. So why would you stand in the aisle of a train with a bag or briefcase, a wet umbrella hanging by a cord around the wrist, and, on this occasion a coat over your arm and then decide it’s a good thing to read a book as well? This is the type of inconsiderate moron we have to live with. Thankfully I was over by the window as I can say right here and now if it had been me that was getting smacked on the shoulder with a wet umbrella every time the train moved there would have been an incident.
I could tell the passenger wasn’t happy but he didn’t say anything. He did push the brolly away a couple of times but the woman reading just ignored it. I was getting angry just watching it. His shoulder was soaked by the time we pulled into Central Station.
I have found my umbrella to be a useful tool against other, more aggressive umbrella handlers. You have the short person with a large umbrella who refuses to raise the brolly to enable them to see past their own feet. I find that keeping my brolly on an angle to the side deflects their brolly; if you left it you could lose an eye.
There is the tall man in a suit with an oversized umbrella who charges through the crowd with no regard for anyone, I put my brolly down in this case, if he sees that you are willing to belt him one he keeps clear.
The shake off of excess water all over the people behind you is another one. Or shake it all over the floor of the foyer of your building so someone can slip on it. Twirl your umbrella in the lift? No worries. Why don’t you just go and get a bucket of water and when the doors open, shot it in.
Is it windy? Put your umbrella up and use the crowd in Martin Place as bumpers, no one will mind a wind driven umbrella spike in the back. Better still use the brolly as a wind sail, that way when you belt someone with it they won’t be able to catch you.
We are licensed to drive a car, why not to use an umbrella? We are regulated about everything else.
I declare war on all inconsiderate, moronic umbrella users.
Stay tuned I may be writing this from a gaol cell in the future.