cacophony of bad manners

Just observing the fella’s today
What a noisy, wriggly bunch they are.
On my immediate right is an older man with a rather pronounced sniff. This is accentuated with the back of his hand to either wipe away excessive snot or to make the noise more annoying. I haven’t figured that out just yet. He then wipes the back of his hand on the leg of his trousers. He has left his tissues on the dresser at home with his manners. Sniffer is also enjoying drinking a can of Coke Zero. The whole bloody train can hear him slurping the coke down his gullet. Then there is the big (trying to be silent but not quite making it) burp and the big coke infused sigh of relief at releasing all that pressure.
Across the isle are two Blokes sitting in a two seater. Both are over 6 feet tall and built like the proverbial brick outhouse. Very squishy. Both are reading the SMH. One is a folder, the other is in the open heart surgery pose. Folder is by the window and is so miffed about his space being invaded that he is tsking and wriggling and elbowing Open Heart in the ribs. I don’t think either of them are reading their paper they are locked in a power struggle for air space.
In front and to the right is a bloke who has a mate on the train in a seat about 5 seats back. They both got on together, chatting away, one sat in front of me the other sat up the back. There was plenty of room for them to sit in the same seat but I think they both wanted to read their papers and didn’t want to sit together, rather weird. Anyway, this bloke is reading the Tele propped up on the back of the seat in front of him. Sports pages of course. Every page turn makes the paper slap onto the back of the seat and makes the girl’s hair in that seat move quite a lot. She keeps turning around and fixing him with a filthy look but he thinks its hilarious. His mate up the back is texting him and egging him on, I can hear him laughing and giggling every time paper slapper texts back.
Directly in front of me is a man in his mid 40’s, balding, bad posture, a little pudgy. At first look he appears to be an office worker, suit, tie, neat hair etc. on closer inspection however one notices that the suit is very crushed and ill made of some kind of gross scratchy looking material. He does have a shirt and tie on but the shirt is a polo shirt and the tie isn’t matching and is a bit stained. He had a hair cut recently but his hair is really greasy (could be product but it just don’t look right) and the back of his neck is covered in a really bad razor burn. He also appears to have an itch in a very private place that requires some pretty intensive attention. There is something disturbing about someone who can scratch a personal spot in public with no reservations. He is grabing the offending article in his pointer finger and thumb and is squeezing and ripping at himself like a man posessed. Dont get me wrong here, this isn't pervert type behavour. (I dont think)
A couple of seats up ahead is a young man with a pimple picking mission. So far he is bleeding profusely from several large craters on his neck and chin. One pimple has bled onto his collar and his handkerchief is covered in blood. If he starts to pass out I’ll use ‘tinea testicles’ tie as a tourniquet around his neck, that should stop the bleeding nicely. The girl sitting opposite him is turning green, but then she can see a hell of a lot more than I can.
Nearby another bloke has commandeered a whole 3 seater for his computer and accessories. I can hear the annoying blips and beeps of a computer game emanating from his laptop. He refuses to move anything so there are people standing around him seething, watching him play his game. Funny how no one will say anything to him, and even funnier is how he is (supposedly) oblivious to his selfishness. I wonder if his computer gear has a ticket.
Somewhere behind me is a cougher. Sounds like he has a bad cold or emphysema. Doesn’t come close to ‘Mr Coffin’ but its very phlegmy and it does make your toes curl. Doesn’t cover his mouth, of course. Someone registers disgust every time he coughs by saying ewwwww, really loudly.
So, all this noise and mucking up, all on one carriage. A cacophony of male bad manners.
I’m sure the girls will let me down in the near future but today it’s the boys.
By now I’m yelling in my head…..get a tissue you jerk, by the time you get to work you will look like you have been attacked by a gang of snails you’ll have so much snot all over you. Stop slurping your drink like some pig in a trough and I’ll slap you stupid the next time you burp and send all those coke fumes over me.
Stand up and belt that bastard over the head with your folded paper!! His legs must be open at a 180 degree angle. Push his legs shut and elbow his arms out of your way.
Move over and shut your legs you inconsiderate turd. If your testicles are that big and you can’t sit with your legs together then maybe there is something wrong with them. Or are they swollen because someone smashed them for you for being such a jerk?
Hey moron, stop hitting that girl. If you like her try talking to her, all you are doing now is paving the way for a size 8 to be inserted violently into an orifice
Stop egging your mate on, you goon. Act your age not your shoe size and you sound like a drunken baboon with that laugh.
If you pick one more pimple mate, your face will look like you were thrown through your windscreen on the way to work. God knows how clean your hands are and I’m pretty sure gangrene isn’t just for extremities. You are going to look like a burns victim when that lot heals.
Oh gross, you really need to go and see about that itching you grub, the way you are digging around in there that would have to be fungal. I hope you wash your hands before you meet and greet anyone. Obviously your mother didn’t belt you around the lug hole for scratching your bits in public, if I wasn’t afraid of catching something I’d do it for her. And iron your clothes you look like a derro
Who cares if you are up to level 2003 in dungeons and dragons. Move your crap and let people sit down you inconsiderate tosser. And turn off the sound, who wants to listen to that garbage. I don’t want to hear your computer have a fit every time you make a kill or get points.
Cover your mouth, take some cough mixture and do us all a favour and walk to work, you are such a creep. How dare you cough and splutter all over people. It’s not like we can all get away from you. I’m sure the lady in front of you wishes she could just go home and wash her hair thanks to you. What on earth makes you think that we all want to share your projectile body fluids.
Ahhhhhhhhhh that feels better…..